2nd Ultrasound Update
We had our 2nd Level 2 ultrasound on Monday and had the opportunity to meet with a genetic counselor. We made the decision to move ahead with getting an amniocentesis after our ultrasound in hopes that it would enable us to have clearer picture of Molly’s body and how she was created. We wanted to be able use the information from this chromosomal testing so we could get the best picture of what may be ahead.
Fast forward to this afternoon, I received a call from a genetic counselor that the results for Molly’s tests had come back normal. There were no markers for Trisomy 13, 18 or 21 - all of which they were suspecting had contributed to HPE. From this point, they are going to continue testing the amniotic for closer testing to see if there are any other genetic anomalies that could help us in the future. Those results will most likely take 7-10 days, which means the ends of next week.
In the meantime, I am trying to grasp and understand what this means. I have been approaching Molly’s future as something definite, on a very specific timeline and the very real possibility of losing her always looming in my mind. As we received these tests today, it doesn’t change the fact that her survival rate is still very low yet it doesn’t increase theme. I think I was expecting the worst news, expecting that her survival rate would worsen after hearing some test results today. I want so bad to hope and to cling onto the idea that our sweet girl will come home to our little farmhouse someday, but this week has been a hard week- full of doubt and sadness.
Yet, admits my doubt and a difficult week, our oldest daughter, Beckett, who just turned 7, has been my beacon of hope and light of joy. She unwaveringly believes that God will be a part of Molly’s future. She prays fervently for her every day, in every Sunday School class and often shares with those around her just how special her baby sister is. She prays for healing, for a miracle and claims truth when I am so worn out to do so myself. There is such a tangible joy in the way she openly shares that brings a spark of light to those she shares with.
While my heart carries this heavy load of loving my sweet Molly with such an uncertain future, I also know that I can bear it. The level of ambivalence (having 2 feelings at the same time) that I live with every day is only possible because of Christ. A couple of years ago, my theme for the year was: Interrupt anxiety with gratitude. It was to become a part of the way my heart and mind work together, often ending the worrying thoughts with the things that I am grateful for. When I begin to worry about what Molly’s life could look like outside of the womb, I choose to focus on her kicks and feeling her move inside my belly. When I begin to worry about how Jay and I will make the difficult decisions that are ahead of us, I choose to focus on how thankful I am for such a strong man to walk beside in this journey. I am thankful he is the one I get to do life with and can’t imagine any other way to do it. When I begin to doubt that God has a plan for this painful chapter of our lives, I choose to focus on the places where God felt similar pain of loss, pain and choosing to walk a difficult road. Beckett often brings me back to a place of thankfulness and expressing gratitude as she does it so naturally.
It’s common to base our contentment on circumstances or other people. True contentment is a state of the heart, not a state of affairs. It comes down to your soul that is sufficiently rooted in Christ that allows you to have a peace that is separate from your circumstances. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” I once heard another explanation of this verse that takes it one step further, deepening my understanding of how this peace works. It reads, “I am strong or all things in the One who constantly infuses strength in me.”
So as we head into this weekend, enjoying beautiful sunny days with our 4 kids and 1 little one kicking away inside, I’m reminded that I am content because of who I am rooted in.
Check out our little video of Molly Mae, who rarely stops moving long enough for a good picture.