The Hope of What Will Be

Sunday (January 9th) marks 6 months since Molly Mae breathed her last breath in my arms. She was held by each of her siblings, who sang and talked to her. She was cuddled close by her daddy. We sang, prayed, rested, and sat together to enjoy our last moments together. I’ve dreaded this weekend for a long time, my heart as felt so heavy knowing this date was coming up on the calendar.

I spent the last couple of weeks pouring over one of my favorite books, Every Moment Holy, along with my Bible. Grief has been overwhelming approaching this date. So much so, that often words do not feel sufficient for the heaviness that has settled in my heart. Throughout this past week, these written words have walked me through my sorrow, encouraged me to embrace my joy and to continue on with courage.

Here’s an piece of what my heart has been feeling:

Joy & Sorrow from Every Moment Holy

So give me strength, O God, to feel this grief deeply, never to hide my heart from it. And give me also hope enough to remain open to surprising encountered with joy, as one on a woodland path might stumble suddenly into dappling of golden light.

Admits the pain that ladies these days, give me courage, O Lord; courage to live them fully, to love and to allow myself to be loved, to remember, grieve, and honor what was, to live with thanksgiving in what is, and to invest in the hope of what will be.

Let me learn now, O Lord, to do this as naturally as the inhale and exhale of a single breath: to breathe out sorrow, to breathe in joy. To breathe out lament. To breathe out pain, to breathe in comfort. To breathe out sorrow, to breathe in joy. To breathe out joy.

(from Seasons of Grieving, p.298-300)

Today we step into the next chapter. The next 6 months, the next part of our story. Molly Mae is a part of our family and always will be. We talk of her often, think of her even more. As we step into this next chapter, we’re bringing her along and would love for you to join us.

In early December, we found out that we are pregnant. We’re both completely thrilled along with all kinds of feelings that come after losing a baby. We shared with our close family and friends, knowing that we will need support to help us walk through this next chapter. I scheduled our first ultrasound and we went in with anxiety through the roof. Our last ultrasound had led to Molly’s fast arrival and we were both so anxious to hear that everything was looking good & going to be ok.

As soon as the ultrasound tech put the wand on my tummy, I saw them. Twins. We are expecting this summer & we are expecting twins. We are beyond excited. And totally shocked.

God is unbelievably good and as we continue to embrace and invest in the hope of what will be, we are so excited to see what God has in store.